A Day In The Life of A Presidential Candidate
****THIS IS SATIRE****
It seems that running for president isn’t all “sugar sticks and gumdrops,” as Ted Cruz has recently told us. In the first-ever exclusive ‘Day In The Life’ interview, we sat down with presidential candidate Ted Cruz to hear the absolute truth behind the daily pains of a campaigning candidate.
Our reporter Daniel “Big-Mouth” Boone was invited down to the candidates’ ranch in Houston Texas, a lovely three-bedroom home on a modest 45-acre plot. After being given a tour of the Cruz home; the master bedroom and bath with bidet toilet, which Cruz demonstrated, the daughter’s room with one queen bed that they share, and Cruz’s playroom which was fully equipped with mini-fridge, darts, coloring books and Xbox 360, we finally sat down for the interview.
“I just don’t think that people truly understand the pressure that comes with running for president, you know? Cruz said over his morning chocolate milk. “I mean there’s a lot of things that you have to read, and after one or two pages in I always seem to get one of those head pains, you know?”
Cruz’s maid Matilda brought out a bountiful plate of chicken nuggets for breakfast, a morning tradition that candidate Cruz never misses. During breakfast, Cruz opened up to us about his true feelings about his biggest opposition, Trump.
“Now, I’m not one for insults or blaspheming but I don’t understand how Trump does it. He seems to always be prepared for the hard questions, you know? He’s got himself all under control, like, he knows just what to say, you know? Can I be really honest with you about something?” Cruz said in between chicken nugget bites. “I’m envious of his hair. It’s always combed and washed, you know? Like, it looks clean. I know that I personally don’t like him as a person. I feel that he is a meanie and says hurtful things, but he probably would be a good president. I mean he’s smart, not like really smart but he knows things, and his wife is really pretty. So he probably would be a good president.”
Related: Ted Cruz Won’t Stay On Top For Long
After a filling breakfast, Cruz took our reporter on a tour of the grounds.
“Mr. Cruz, what is it that you like to do when you aren’t out campaigning?” Daniel “Big-Mouth” Boone asked the candidate.
“To be honest, I don’t really like campaigning. It’s so much fighting, and sometimes people can say some really hurtful stuff. Like when they said that I looked like Grampa Munster from that television show. That really hurt.” Cruz explained while showing our reporter his remote control race car track he had installed in his backyard. “That’s not even the worst part, they won’t even let me use my real name. My real name is Rafael, Rafael Edward Cruz. I didn’t even get to pick my name. My campaign manager did. He said Ted made me sound more Texan, because, don’t tell anyone, but I’m actually from Canada.”
After a brief game of tag, our reporter was informed that it was time for candidate Cruz’s bath. So as Cruz was splashing around in the soapy water and playing with his duck, we got to ask the really tough questions.
“Mr. Cruz…,” our reporter said.
“Please call me Captain Cruz,” Ted said amidst the bubbles.
“Okay…Captain Cruz, if you were elected president, what do you plan to do?” Our reporter asked.
“Well, I don’t really know. I think that it’s important to understand the needs of the people and all, so maybe I would do like a mandatory comment card type thing. Where the people would get to write in what they think and need and I would be able to answer them, you know? Like genie wishes almost. I also think that it’s important that we start having passwords on the border. You know like you can’t get in without the magic password. I know that I would make the password, Chicken Nuggets because that’s my favorite food.”
After a long day of questions with Ted Cruz, he asked our reporter to tuck him into bed before he left.
So for all of you who were wondering what the stressful life of a presidential candidate is really like, there you have it, straight from the mouth of Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz.
Don’t miss our next ‘Day In The Life’ interview when we get to sit down with John Kasich.
From reporter Daniel “Big-Mouth” Boone.
Watch Ted Cruz first 2016 campaign here at CBSN:
Featured Image by Flickr/ Gage Skidmore